through a glass darkly

invest in uhaul i hate moving... i still hurt from yesterday. (yeah, i should get in shape one of these days.) not to mention the myriad of boxes that is still in my old apartment. college seems like just one move after another, what a pita. on the other hand, i'm now living with a bunch of apo brothers (that's not the good part) in a house with central air and a dsl line (that's the good part). so yummy connection and no humidity. :) and i got to set my linux box up again... not that i have anything to do with it at the moment except route my desktop and laptop to the same ip address. but it's still fun. :)

i can't believe i'm fucking awake at this hour. and of course, i couldn't go to sleep once it hit 3:30 am for fear of not waking up at 7am to get ready for my interview. somebody shoot me.

mmm, okay, ssi is my friend. :)

i decided to redesign my page again. it needs adjusting, but it's up.

okay, yeah, on clearer, non-middle-of-the-night thought, that coulda had something to do with the fact that I slept really really late on sunday.

who needs sleep? okay, this spate of insomnia I've been having has hit an all time low. wtf am i awake at 5am? damn meds. well, i've played around on the web enough, yet again. hopefully this time i'll actually sleep.

i can't get no motivation i have a million things to do this week (being the last week of classes for the term) and i don't feel like doing a damn one of them. what i really want to do is go curl up under the bedcovers. i only just a minute ago got around to taking a shower. i don't see how anyone can think that life as we know it was created with any purpose in mind. if it was, then it would have to make a hell of a lot more sense then it does. instead, life is full of missed opportunities and bad timing. just when a certain part of my life starts to come into focus, something changes before i have a chance to experience my newfound understanding. if there's any justice, this situation will work out... but i hate waiting. while i treasure the good parts of my life, which i would never have thought possible a few years ago, i hate that i still feel like so much is missing. i'm tired of feeling like i'm going through life alone so much of the time. i just want someone to hold me and make everything okay. okay, enough of this sob fest. if anyone needs me, i'll be hiding under the blanket.

well, it's nearly 1:30 in the morning with an interview scheduled at 10am and, of course, i can't sleep. so, since i have a million thoughts running around in my head, maybe if i write some of them down i will be able to sleep. to trust or not to trust trust... the word sounds sturdy, doesn't it? it calls up sentiments like "in god we trust" -- things that are solid and strong and everlasting. yet the feeling itself is as ephemeral as fairy dust and moonbeams. it's hard to give one's trust and even harder to lose it. and even worse to lose the ability at all. i've come to realize in recent times that somewhere in my childhood, i stopped trusting, with the general exception of family, who i've known all my life. i must have trusted at some point as a child, but the memory is lost. i had friends then, but they turned against me for silly, childish reasons... funny that something like that should have such lasting repercussions. along the line, i became unwilling to want anything from people because i feared being let down. i was lonely and unhappy, but to scared to try to fix it. i felt the lack, but until somewhat recently, i didn't even really know what i was missing. i've been afraid to want a more interesting job, better grades, friends, even afraid to want people to like me. that slowly began to change when i got to college. i was surprised to find that there were people who liked me and wanted to be around me. i began to have fun. and yet i didn't realize how long of a journey back it would be until i was on my way. i enjoyed myself but there was still no one i trusted. even now there are precious few people who i would even think of opening up to. then someone came into my life who turned everything upside down. and somehow i let him get closer to me than anyone i can remember. i started to trust him... or as close to trusting as i could. i believed that he cared about me, but it was very hard to put aside my fear and really trust in that belief. there have been many trials and tribulations along the way and times when i felt i trusted but couldn't quite stand up to the test. again, slowly, i think that is truly changing. i still fear and worry and i know i can be prickly at times but i can only hope that he understands why. it is a friendship that is important to me. my belief for tomorrow is the realization that one can still be hurt, no matter how much one tries to prevent it and that it is better to take the opportunities one has for enjoyment to cast light on the pains, large and small, that will come in between. fear does not protect you... maybe happiness will. and always i look for the strength to find it. good night.

mmm, happy hour at new deck... okay, so i haven't had much chance to go out and drink legally, gimme a break. :p but it was fun, anything with gamma sig or apo type people is always, umm, interesting. :) mary kay: "[gss] is growing like sea monkeys in the fish tank under my bed." drexel's bookstore is full of morons. seriously. they swore up and down that the manufacturer said my db class's book wasn't available and sent them this other one. so i bought it. of course, we find out now in the 8th freaking week of the term that, well, guess what, most of the class has the wrong damn book. and we wonder why the professor's page numbers for examples didn't make any sense. oy... ugh, i get the interview request results for co-op back tomorrow... while that is a good thing in terms of possibly getting a job (oh yeah, and that money stuff, that'd help), it means i have to schedule more interviews. yuck... oh no, return of the ellipsis! and i was doing so well... *run away run away* later.

i added the car page that i forgot i had a link to (there, are you happy now, yoni?) and tinkered with things in general. i got to see x-men this weekend. it was pretty cool surprisingly enough. i think they did a good job of keeping with the spirit of the cartoon. (i've never read the comic.) the characters were well done, too. it was an enjoyable experience, all in all. oh yeah, and mmm, patrick stewart. :)