through a glass darkly

fuck, sometimes blogger kills me... it just refreshed my screen in the midst of a passage. i suppose i should start writing in notepad or something. working girl well, it's back to work for co-op this week. it seems like a nice place to work (and it pays nicely) so we shall see how the work goes. shadow boxing i hate coming back to the same arguments with myself over and over. this little voice starts telling me that i'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, assertive enough... the laundry list goes on. i know that's not really true, but it's hard to believe it sometimes. and i wonder why i'm so alone, why there's only been one guy in my whole life who was able to reach across the loneliness surrounding me and that wasn't meant to last. sure, plenty of people say i'm nice and funny and such, but there are precious few that i honestly feel i can call good friends, let alone close ones. i just want someone to share life with, both joys and sorrows, laughter and tears, understanding and respect. i know that it doesn't have to work the first time around and i got over that, but i'm still left with the problem of how to fill the emptiness in my life that was suddenly made more acute. i don't know how. i come back to the same missing link in my life over and over and i just don't know. time to stop wallowing, signing off.

new york, new york i'm up in the north country for the week visiting my father. it's nice and quiet and very pretty here but i won't mind getting back to where things actually happen. at least my father has a cable modem now so i can be online without tying up his phone line. (you know you're in the boonies when you *only* get analog cell coverage... and that spotty at best.) it seems things will be happening sooner than i thought since i'm starting my co-op job nearly a week earlier than i had expected. but hey, i figure it means i get a paycheck sooner and that's definitely a good thing. i love vacation.