through a glass darkly

i hate my life...

frost in my heart
nature's first green is gold,
her hardest hue to hold.
her early leaf's a flower,
but only so an hour.
then leaf subsides to leaf.
so eden sank to grief,
so dawn goes down to day.
nothing gold can stay.
robert frost

what does it take to be happy?
a strength of spirit i suspect i don't have...

burn baby burn woohoo, i have a cd burner! yippy skippy, i made a cd!

please hold for technical difficulties please excuse the mess that has become my blog formatting. i had a little fight with the way blogger was doing something and i'm too tired to fix it tonight.

we went the distance so, i went to see cake in concert this weekend... the music was fun, but man, the lead singer is an ass. first, he told the audience to stop singing along with "nugget" (the shut the fuck up song) and started directing us where to sing. then, he tried to start a war between the people on the floor and the people on the balcony where the bar was by saying that the people on the balcony thought they were better than the people on the floor, etc. it was crazy. people were giving the balcony the finger and booing them. oh yeah, and my cousin did end up coming since his wrestling thing was over at noon and after he and the exchange student kept telling each other they didn't care who went, i told him he was coming. it's always an amusing night when he, my sister, and i are together, from the guy in the parking lot begging for pot (begging for change in philly apparently isn't enough these days) to my sister getting her ass felt up by an identified concertgoer. nobody expects the spanish inquisition sometimes i wonder if i'll ever get my life together. these days it seems like a losing battle. my mother keeps telling me that i don't sound like i'm interested in my field of study and maybe i should change... i don't know how to tell her that it's not the field, it's just that i don't feel like i can accomplish anything. is it because i'm scared that i'll screw up? yeah, but it feels like more... i feel like i won't be able to cut it when i get out to the "real" world, that i don't have the drive to follow through... i don't like being in the driver's seat (except in my peugeot 505) but that's what life requires. at this point in my life, done so many things wrong, don't know if i can do right why does it seem that i'm the only one i know who can't find somebody interested in her? or to be interested in for that matter... am i blind or am i really that closed off? to sleep, perchance to dream...

weirdness recedes somewhat got response from the strange e-mail. it's definitely not me he's looking for. too bad for him. :)

weirdness ensues as friday approaches so i get this e-mail out of nowhere... from some guy who's name i don't recognize but he thinks he might know me. now, it is entirely possible that i do know this guy and just don't recall the name, we are talking about the swiss cheese of memories here. still, 'tis very strange. i did a web search on his name and the only connection i could find was that he's on a lost alumni list on the university of georgia's website which also includes the name of someone i think i used to know on irc. not much to go on and definitely not enough of a kick in the pants for my memory. i think i'll reserve further comment until i get a response. in further news, my cousin is a dork. he mixed up the weekend that we were going to go to the cake concert in philly and planned a wrestling match on the same day. where this newborn dedication to wrestling came from and how it could possibly be more important than his two dear cousins ;) i don't know, but c'est la vie. we get to take the exchange student who's staying with them instead and she's fun, so his loss. ;) all the same, i'll miss the chance to hang out with him since he's a lot of fun. *grumble* well, i actually can't think of anything that would be particularly interesting to anyone other than me at the moment so probably no one else will read this, but i'll try to think of something better soon. work has been both a mental bore and drain at the same time. (neat trick, huh?) now, time for "the storm" on er.