through a glass darkly

well, it's nearly 1:30 in the morning with an interview scheduled at 10am and, of course, i can't sleep. so, since i have a million thoughts running around in my head, maybe if i write some of them down i will be able to sleep. to trust or not to trust trust... the word sounds sturdy, doesn't it? it calls up sentiments like "in god we trust" -- things that are solid and strong and everlasting. yet the feeling itself is as ephemeral as fairy dust and moonbeams. it's hard to give one's trust and even harder to lose it. and even worse to lose the ability at all. i've come to realize in recent times that somewhere in my childhood, i stopped trusting, with the general exception of family, who i've known all my life. i must have trusted at some point as a child, but the memory is lost. i had friends then, but they turned against me for silly, childish reasons... funny that something like that should have such lasting repercussions. along the line, i became unwilling to want anything from people because i feared being let down. i was lonely and unhappy, but to scared to try to fix it. i felt the lack, but until somewhat recently, i didn't even really know what i was missing. i've been afraid to want a more interesting job, better grades, friends, even afraid to want people to like me. that slowly began to change when i got to college. i was surprised to find that there were people who liked me and wanted to be around me. i began to have fun. and yet i didn't realize how long of a journey back it would be until i was on my way. i enjoyed myself but there was still no one i trusted. even now there are precious few people who i would even think of opening up to. then someone came into my life who turned everything upside down. and somehow i let him get closer to me than anyone i can remember. i started to trust him... or as close to trusting as i could. i believed that he cared about me, but it was very hard to put aside my fear and really trust in that belief. there have been many trials and tribulations along the way and times when i felt i trusted but couldn't quite stand up to the test. again, slowly, i think that is truly changing. i still fear and worry and i know i can be prickly at times but i can only hope that he understands why. it is a friendship that is important to me. my belief for tomorrow is the realization that one can still be hurt, no matter how much one tries to prevent it and that it is better to take the opportunities one has for enjoyment to cast light on the pains, large and small, that will come in between. fear does not protect you... maybe happiness will. and always i look for the strength to find it. good night.