through a glass darkly

we went the distance so, i went to see cake in concert this weekend... the music was fun, but man, the lead singer is an ass. first, he told the audience to stop singing along with "nugget" (the shut the fuck up song) and started directing us where to sing. then, he tried to start a war between the people on the floor and the people on the balcony where the bar was by saying that the people on the balcony thought they were better than the people on the floor, etc. it was crazy. people were giving the balcony the finger and booing them. oh yeah, and my cousin did end up coming since his wrestling thing was over at noon and after he and the exchange student kept telling each other they didn't care who went, i told him he was coming. it's always an amusing night when he, my sister, and i are together, from the guy in the parking lot begging for pot (begging for change in philly apparently isn't enough these days) to my sister getting her ass felt up by an identified concertgoer. nobody expects the spanish inquisition sometimes i wonder if i'll ever get my life together. these days it seems like a losing battle. my mother keeps telling me that i don't sound like i'm interested in my field of study and maybe i should change... i don't know how to tell her that it's not the field, it's just that i don't feel like i can accomplish anything. is it because i'm scared that i'll screw up? yeah, but it feels like more... i feel like i won't be able to cut it when i get out to the "real" world, that i don't have the drive to follow through... i don't like being in the driver's seat (except in my peugeot 505) but that's what life requires. at this point in my life, done so many things wrong, don't know if i can do right why does it seem that i'm the only one i know who can't find somebody interested in her? or to be interested in for that matter... am i blind or am i really that closed off? to sleep, perchance to dream...